Color Me Confused

Loving Getting Those Portraits Taken!

2010-05-05T18:12:00.003-04:00

I love to get my daughter's pictures at our local Sears Portrait Studio. This is our latest version -- my daughter is in skating classes and we took her to get her photos made in a dress her grandmother made for her.

They are usually so patient with her. She makes it easy, though -- she's quite a hambone. She needs very little prompting.

Sears is offering a trip to the BlogHer conference later this year. I'd so love to go. I would love to make this blog a money-making venture. :-) Plus, a free trip to NYC wouldn't be bad, either.

For now, though, I will be spending money vs. making it, but it's all worth it to capture that smile.

...and they're off. Maybe.

2009-10-31T13:38:00.004-04:00

OK. So the National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo) starts tomorrow, November 1st. I signed up to participate, filled out a profile and everything. The goal is to write 50,000 words in 30 days.

I am completely scared out of my mind.

I am scared I won’t finish. I mean, c’mon – I can’t even update this blog on a semi-regular basis.

I’m scared that it will suck. The problem with all of my writing is that I hate it as soon as I put it down. I also don’t dare show anyone because someone close to me will tell me that is does suck, I’ll lose any confidence that I had, and then I definitely won’t finish it.

I’m scared that if it doesn’t suck, that I won’t be able to sell it. I mean, what’s with all the work if I can’t sell it? Isn’t that the ultimate goal?

I’m scared that no one will like it, whether I sell it or not. I’ve always felt that my writing was always such a part of me, as silly as that sounds. I don’t like opening myself up, I don’t like being vulnerable. I am not a risk taker—at least, not where this is concerned.

Most of all, I’m scared I’m over thinking this.

Why did I sign up to do this again?

I guess that I feel that, as the founder of this contest says, writing a novel is a “one day” goal, as in “one day I’ll write a novel”. This is to get people to commit to an attempt and to reach the goal. Which makes sense to me.

I watch other authors and the juggernauts they’ve created: Stephenie Meyer, J.K. Rowling. I mean, Holy Cow, I will probably never be able to do that. They’ve changed pop culture, for goodness sake. I’m not that good.

I wish that I thought that I was. Maybe this would be easier. Maybe that’s what I am most afraid of, beyond all else:

I’ll find out that I don’t have any talent at all. Dreams are always safer staying tucked into your heart.

Opening my heart is always scary.

Reflections

2009-09-12T21:09:00.003-04:00

I've been wanting to write this all day, a tribute to my Gram. Now, though, my heart is even heavier.

My beloved Gram died on Friday, September 11, 2009 (as if I needed another reason not to be crazy about that date). We weren't close necessarily, but she was my last grandparent here on earth. My paternal grandfather died before I was born, and my paternal grandmother died in our home when I was eight. My maternal grandfather, whom I met only once in my life (I think I may have been either eight or ten), died when I was a teenager. There also was Gram's second husband, who died shortly before my tenth birthday.

I adored Gram, but she wasn't really adorable. Politically correct she was not. The last time we spoke, she told me in no uncertain terms why she didn't like a black man in the White House and her views on race in general. She treated my mother cruelly her entire life, and offered my beleaguered aunt, who spent the last several years caring for her as well as her own sick husband, not so much as even a thank you.

However, she had a charm about her to most people. She was a waitress for many, many years, and had clientele who specifically would go to a restaurant if she worked there. At one point, she owned three mink coats. Going to her house was like winning the lottery -- she'd start cleaning out cupboards full of barely used items and give them to you. My husband and I were in hysterics as we sat behind her on a boat tour, as she gave a running commentary about our guide. My mom and aunt fell down laughing at her fear of a deer at a petting park.

She was little over 5 feet tall, small and petite...but boy, she was a powerhouse. She was the youngest of 13, a scrapper who was watched over by her older siblings. She was a firebrand who, as the story goes, went down to the local tavern and dragged the local hussy who had been talking to her philandering husband out into the street by her hair. I remember hanging on for dear life as a child, accompanying her and my mother into Chicago, her driving my uncle's El Camino at a high rate of speed (in the days where it was acceptable for a child to ride in a car sitting on one-half inch of seat), cigarette ashes being flicked out the window. She smoked like a chimney.

It was ultimately those damn cigarettes that took her life (my family could be poster children for the American Lung Association). A smoker since the age of 13, she quit when they told her that her lung cancer was terminal. I wanted her to so meet my children. Damn economy didn't afford us that chance. Now, we at least had a chance to say goodbye.

Until...

My mom called me earlier this evening to tell me the arrangements had been made, and that she was no longer going. Why? My dad's sick. He's being bull-headed and won't go to the hospital, but he's shaking like a leaf and cannot hold himself up. His COPD seems to be flaring up quite a lot, causing him not to be able to breathe.

This means that I cannot go to my Gram's funeral. I can't be four hours away if he takes a turn for the worse. I need to be here. My mom needs me here.

My heart hurts so much right now. It seems like when it rains, it pours.

The Last Hurrah

2009-09-08T18:35:00.006-04:00

So, I'm a bad mommy. I'll admit it.

The economy didn't help, though. No money to go anywhere. We were hoping to at least see my Gram, who is dying of cancer, but our new transmission put a stake into that idea.

I did nothing to enrich their summer, to make memories. Bad mommy.

However, I had the bright idea to take them to the beach on Sunday. At least have a one last hurrah, send off summer on the right note.

It started off on a bumpy note. The parking lot closed just as we pulled up. We ended up parking about a mile or so away and walking. I wasn't exactly wearing the right shoes for that trek (white platform sandals), nor was Dear Daughter (slip-on jelly shoes that kept slipping off). Carrying all our gear, dodging bicyclists (grrr...), listening to my whining child and telling her that, yes, indeed, we were still going to the beach.

Once we finally got there, we crossed the parking lot (and three empty spaces -- thanks, Park Ranger Bob) and collapsed at the first good spot we found.

Once we recovered, we did have fun. Dear Son kept trying to eat sand. Dear Daughter digging for "sea shells" (actually, rocks) and making "sand castles" (piles of sand). DD's first dip into the lake. The shear joy on her face, followed by the horror on her face when she fell into the cold water (59 degrees), the joy that returned after she jumped up and assured me that "I'm OK!!!".

I could have done without the wicked sunburn, though. My fair skin has never had a love affair with the sun. We were thoroughly exhausted, but happy.

Sometimes, you just need some time away. Even if it's only a few miles away -- it can feel like another world.

Let's Do the Time Warp Again*

2009-09-03T20:29:00.010-04:00

(*although, technically, this song is from the wrong era...)

Skinny Jeans. Jelly Bracelets. Stirrup Pants. Long sweaters. Slouch boots.

Clothes in my closest from a bygone era?

Nope. Current Back-to-School Fashions.

Oh, it's been coming for a while, I know. What put me over the top today was a pair of pastel multi-colored high top sneakers (for women, mind you) like these. That, and the Barbie and the Rockers collector's edition, circa 1986.

Yesterday, I watched Punky Brewster as a grown-up. No, I'm not kidding.

I can't take it anymore. I now want a long tee-shirt with a buckle and straight leg jeans to roll.

Now, where's my Swatch with the watch guards?

Why are schools still on SAHM-time*?

2009-08-18T21:39:00.010-04:00

So, I still hadn't received my DD's school schedule yet for Kindergarten. Silly me, it's two weeks before school starts here and I figured that I should have heard something by now.

Nope.

According to the office person that I spoke with on Monday, who goes to what class has yet to be decided.

Huh? How is this possible?

I'm a full-time working-outside-the-home mother (WOTHM). My DH also works full-time. We have to coordinate child care, transportation to and from (no busing), etc. How am I to do this if I don't have her schedule.

Oh -- and I was informed that her Kindergarten Assessment was the next day. Between 8:30 AM and 11:30 AM.

Excuse me? I'm just now finding out about this?

Oh -- well, we've lost track of who we've called and who we haven't.

??????????????????????

These people are going to be educating my child? Oy vey.

Fortunately, I now work at a company that values family time, and is somewhat flexible with time off. However, I have made a commitment to be at work. I need to be at work. So, naturally, the only times that this is being held is during my work day (DH is off in the afternoon -- he could have taken her, if they had afternoon appointments). DH doesn't have the flexibility that I do and couldn't afford to take off work (no paid time off), even though he works right next to our home and school, and I work 10 miles away.

{sigh}

Hence my question in the title of this post. I thought my school district was advanced in this regard -- for example, they offer child care and breakfast for the children. However, not everyone can drop everything they are doing and zoom over to Kindergarten Assessment...or Parent/Teacher conferences...you get the idea. I know school is during the "regular" day and all, but could schools keep in mind working parents' needs when trying to schedule classes and meetings?

We are in the 21st Century right?

Just checking.

*Note: This post is not meant in any way, shape, or form to be a slam on SAHMs. Traditionally, though, SAHMs have more flexible schedules than moms who have to go to work at specific times. If I was able to be a SAHM, I wouldn't be having this complaint, other than the assessment was scheduled at the last minute.

The Prince Charming Myth

2009-08-11T22:07:00.013-04:00

So, I picked up the vampire issue of Entertainment Weekly last week (Me? Obsessed? No....), and read it over the weekend.

I love how almost all of the other vampire genre authors snub Twilight in one form or another. One, though, actually appreciated the buzz it's created and how it benefited her by generating interest in her novels.

Something that one of the other authors interviewed, though, caught my attention in her diss of the Saga.

Laurell K. Hamilton, author of the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series (which I have not read), said:

"They [meaning fans of Twilight] like the idea that (Bella) was like the fairy princess and (Edward) is the handsome prince that rides in and saves her. The fact that women are so attracted to that idea -- that they want to wait for Prince Charming rather than taking control of their own life -- I find that frightening."

Uh...What?

OK, I kind of see her point. I also kind of think she's cracked.

Maybe I can help. Here's my take.

Bella was a lost soul -- an old one, perhaps, but still a lost soul. So was Edward. Together, they completed each other. He didn't "save" her from finding her own life. She found her life -- and took control of it -- when she found him. She was the one pushing her way into his life, while he feared her presence in it, wanting her to pursue a more human existence. He "saved" her from the villain in the first book, she saved him from himself in the second, he saved her from the villains in the third, and she saved HER ENTIRE FAMILY in the last book, her new husband Edward included.

The attraction that I think women have to this story is the desire to find that one person that completes their circuit -- the Ying to their Yang, as it were. It's the same theme that most love stories have. Who, on earth, wants to wander this life alone? You always want to think that there is a companion out there for you, whether he's from another time (Outlander), another species (Twilight), or just a good ole' human.

Twilight is not about a girl pining for marriage and then -- viola! -- a man enters into her life who just happens to want the same thing -- marriage to a girl pining for him.

This isn't Cinderella, Ms. Hamilton. Of course, this really isn't about Prince Charming, now is it?

Does anyone have an original thought anymore?

2009-08-05T20:28:00.013-04:00

I was reading the hubbub over Stephenie Meyer supposedly plagiarizing Breaking Dawn from some unknown chick's book. (Note to unknown chick - get a life already. Tell your lawyer to do the same.) After reading some people's responses to the various articles that I read, the thought occurred to me - Does anyone have an original thought anymore?

Think about it. Hollywood is in this weird time warp - making a live action Smurfs (dear god), the Transformers' movies, and - wait for it - Tron 2 (oh, for the love of everything holy...).

In this age of YouTube, FanFics, blogs, everyone sharing every. frickin'. thing. instantly...Somewhere along the way, people's thoughts are going to cross and get jumbled up together.

(I will say that this moron put her original, unpublished work on her web site for any and all to see, then cries that someone may have actually read it and thought enough of it to use it. I don't think Meyer copied it, but seriously...someone send that chick a paw print, stat.)

I have the crazy notion of writing a novel someday. However, stories like this make me think and rethink it all the time. My life has always been influenced by comic books, movies, magazines, TV shows...I am quite the media baby. How then am I expected not to use some of these ideas to spur my own creativity? Am I copying or paying homage? Who is to judge anymore? The internet has turned copyrights onto its ear. Who the hell knows what is actually "original"?

I mean, the land of make believe can't seem to figure it out - how should we?

So not ready...

2009-08-02T20:59:00.004-04:00

...for this weekend to be over. I had a three-day weekend and still feel like I need another day.

*YAWN*

I have a sink full of dishes to load into the dishwasher, then I can go to bed...but I can't seem to find the inspiration to get off this couch. I'd much rather blog/read all night here. Tired, but sleep is a waste of time. I could do so much more if I could skip sleeping and eating altogether.

I love my little ones, but I love how quiet the house gets when they are asleep. It's "me" time. Hubby is envious because he doesn't get nearly the time that I get. I try to tell him that I sacrifice sleep in order to get it, and he doesn't believe me. Oh well.

Think I could wish Monday away? Yeah, I thought not.

Seriously, There Ought to be a Degree for This

2009-07-31T19:08:00.006-04:00

Thought I would share the pics of DS' new car that Grandma and I ordered for him. I tried to document this to illustrate what exactly I spent two hours on Wednesday night.

Of course, the first thing my mom does when she sees it the next morning is how she will never order anything like this offline again. Nevermind I showed her the damn thing before I ordered it. She didn't like the "animal" eyes, and she couldn't walk behind like she wanted. Whatever. It's not going back now.

Anyway...back to my original point (yes, I had one...now where did I put it? Oh, yeah...).

I think that all new parents should be granted an honorary degree in engineering after completing X number of items assembled. Play yards, swings, bikes, highchair, misc. toys...I mean, c'mon. Have you seen some of these things out of the box? Oh, my heavens. The one I regret not documenting was this kitchen that my DH knocked over forty people to get at a Black Friday sale (OK, not really). The thing was in, literally, a thousand pieces with foreign instructions. No words, all pictures, and not very good ones at that. Do these people stay up nights thinking of how to screw with us?

I'm just thinking that, for all the aggravation, we could get some compensation, y'know? I'd settle for a blurb on my resume.

I Owe, I Owe, So Off to Work I Go

2009-07-29T22:46:00.005-04:00

Hello out there, all you happy people.

I wanted to post something witty and urbane today; alas, my brain is mush. I put in a little OT at my job over the last couple of days, and I am really very tired. Plus, I tried to take a crash course in engineering so I could put together my son's new Little Tikes 30th Anniversary Ride and Rescue Coupe that arrived today. Ugh. I am spent. I am too tired to even upload the pic of my finished product.

I will post, though, a couple petition sites that I urge you to sign. You see, Rachelle LeFevre has been recast for the movie version of Eclipse due to "scheduling conflicts". Conflict, my maiden aunt. She is reportedly stunned at the news. So are we, the Twi-Hard community.

http://tinypetition.com/RachelleisVictoria
http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/rachelleinecpliseyes/

Thanks.

The Lost Weekend

2009-07-26T14:28:00.006-04:00

OK - So tomorrow's a day late. Better than a dollar short, I guess. :-) I will get into the swing of things, eventually.

I am calling this my "lost weekend" but I let my diet slide a bit, but I feel much better because of it. I have PCOS with insulin resistance, so dieting for me is more of a challenge it is for most people. My body fights like hell to resist any changes I make.

I was listening to the Eat This, Not That guy on the Today Show yesterday. Just by making this little changes (ha!) I could lose 18 lbs in 6 months. Yeah, OK. I didn't eat half the crap he showed (although sesame chicken is a favorite, but I don't buy it often). I know that it's just representative, but stuff like that grates me.

Then I watch this show on the We network called I Want To Save Your Life (or as I read it in my mind, I Vant to Suck Your Blood...I've got to get off of this vampire kick...)

Anyway, this dude is a "diet detective" and "lives" with a person for a week analyzing their issues and obstacles to weight loss. Sounds great, right? As with most "reality" shows, it's deliciously cheesy.

The problem that I have is that none of these shows really address people's real problems. More accurately, they don't address any of my problems. Like my bean-pole mother, who causes so much anxiety in me, it's unreal. Working full time at a job that also causes additional stress. Being too exhausted from my schedule and my weight to eat much of anything, let alone stuff that I have to actually cook.

I guess if they did, they wouldn't attract many followers - everyone would be so depressed that they'd eat. So, that would kind of backfire.

I think I hear some cookies calling me...I will try to pretend that they have the wrong number.

P.S. For you fellow Twi-Hards...I present for your viewing - http://www.twilightgoogle.com/

I'm Such a Loser...

2009-07-24T21:14:00.002-04:00

Well, maybe that's a bit harsh, but that's how I feel.

First, I've been remiss about updating this blog. I will never attract a following at this rate. For not posting lately, I apologize.

Second, I am a loser because my diet lasted like 4 days. I was sick as a dog going through sugar withdrawals and stress, so I think I need to regroup and start over. God, I wish I could quit eating altogether. It would be SO much easier. Think of all the time I'd save! LOL.

Third, I am totally geeking out about New Moon and just about anything Twilight related. I am so not someone who falls for hype, but wow...I am over the moon, as it were.

I am also not one who cares for FanFics (the characters belong to their original story, in my mind, and can only be accurately portrayed by the one who created them), but I've been giving some of them a chance, and some are really good. Check out one example: Let Your Light Shine. O. M. G. I'm tempted to write one myself, but...I would feel guilty about it. I usually like to take inspiration from stories I like, and embellish my own.

Which takes me to the last reason that I am a Loser (this is one with a capital L): I am going through my worthless period again. Let me explain that.

I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I'm sitting here, thirty-effing-four years old and I have. done. nothing. My husband says he looks at my biggest two accomplishments every day. This from a man who's biggest aspiration in life right now is to sit all day, undisturbed, playing Guild Wars. Y'know, 'cause Scooter's got to get to level 9 and all. {grrrrr....}

Anyway...

I'll save more for tomorrow, otherwise I may not have anything to write about. :-)

Later.

Why does everything have to be politicized?

2009-06-28T21:14:00.005-04:00

Are you freaking kidding me?

In the last few days, I've been all over on the web - reading news, keeping up on message boards, playing games...

...but one thing I am sick of seeing...

...sh** being politicized that have no business being so.

Example 1 - Reading tributes on Huffington Post to Michael Jackson. You would read comments on both sides (good and bad), then someone will say something like: Why aren't we talking about Iran? or Neda's death (Iran conflict) is more important.

WTF?

Then, I go over to a parenting site, and someone is asking on a Twilight board what political party the Cullens belong to, and one wrote that her heart is broken because they are libs (Edward drives a Volvo, for Pete's sake - apparently that's a liberal signature).

Who cares?

Can we all enjoy stuff or comment on stuff without making a freaking huge deal out of it? Two things you don't speak of in polite company - religion and politics. There's a reason for that.

Does everything have to turn into a hot-button issue? We were talking about romance novels, of all things, on one blog, and some nitwit posts:

"And as for role models for women - I'm in favor of the strong, brave, and beautiful young women of Iran - the ones at the barricades, wearing green and fighting for freeddom."

OKAAAAAY...

Hate to see your stress level, genius.

Falling in Love

2009-06-26T21:37:00.004-04:00

I had already been thinking about this post entry before I read this column by Vicki Iovine about her love for "Mommy Porn".

I originally was going to talk about the fact that men hate falling in love once you get past "that part" of your relationship. After reading this column, though, I think it may be larger than that.

My DH is a sweetheart, but not romantic. Oh, he was at one time. I tell him that I was "sold a bill of goods", because the man I met is not the same man I married. Therefore, I retreat to places where men were men, women are strong and beautiful, and they have fantastic sex (or, as in the case of the Twilight saga, they allude to it).

It seems that more women experience this than would care to admit. Which is why the romance market is oh-so lucrative. It's "Mommy Porn".

Again, using Twilight as an example (since it's the most recent series that I've read). The story is not airtight, the writing style is a bit lacking in spots, the hero(es) are a bit over the top in their devotion.

However, I think the reason that women - especially moms - fall in love with it is because they feel like they are falling in love right along with Bella. It was really genius to write it from her point of view. Women can relate to this. I think moms appreciate it, not just because it takes them back to a time before kids and responsibilities, but it takes them back to a time when it was all about them. The "wooing" part of the relationship. "That part".

Another appealing aspect of romance novels (and, keep in mind we are talking real stories here - not dime-store-Harlequin crap) is the man is everything to the female. Protector. Lover. Plays with the kids and then fights the bad guy. Totally unrealistic, sure, in the sum of its parts - but desirable all the same. Those DDDD breasts in "Daddy Porn" aren't exactly real, either. Same principle.

The part that really sucks - and separates the two "porns" - is the fact that, while men may want women to be the same as what they see on-screen, they generally accept that they are not. Women, on the other hand, take these stories to heart and measure their real mates up to these standards. They aren't going to measure up, not in the least. The disappointment is crushing. Which leads you back to your proverbial heroin of choice.

So, you read more and compare more and hurt more and read more and...well, you get the idea.

Ms. Iovine puts in much more succinctly than I, so I recommend her column.

Men & Morning Chores

2009-06-12T21:52:00.006-04:00

OK. What is it about men & chores anyway? What about their makeup makes them think that it's somebody else's job (namely, mine)?

Don't get me wrong -- my DH is great. He gets up with the kids on the weekend and let's me sleep. However, after he feeds them and himself (not always in that order), he goes off to play his video game. Well, he's still in the same room with them, with Noggin on the telly, but he's checked out.

Nevermind the dishwasher full of clean dishes that don't put away themselves. The countertops covered in sugar and god knows what else. No, that is waiting for me, along with my son's poopy diaper, which for some reason, he cannot smell. All before my coffee. Lucky me.

I'm not pregnant, but I swear that I suffer from Morning Sickness. {Gag!}

I tell him, "Work before play, junior! Dishes don't put away themselves!" This, as usual, falls on semi-deaf ears. I say "semi-deaf" because he responds, "Honey, I was gonna do it..."

Uh-huh.

However, that brings up another question - what is it about my genetic makeup that forces me to do all this crap first thing? It's like, I can't relax and have my all-important cup o' joe until all this crap is cleaned up, put away, and taken care of. I can barely function yet I am awake enough to know this.

Someone should just invent a dishwasher that empties its damn self and then I wouldn't have this problem. :)

Smile!

2009-06-09T22:30:00.002-04:00

100_0147-2
Originally uploaded by miladyfair

Be still my heart.

Funny for the Day

2009-06-07T21:14:00.001-04:00

Team Edward, Team Jacob....or Team Harry?

2009-06-03T10:45:00.004-04:00

OK. So I recently finished Twilight. Not the series, just the first book.

Yeah, yeah - behind the times, I know. So sue me. I'm not a 15-year-old girl anymore, y'know (although, the book made me feel that way - and I almost missed it. Almost.).

Anyway, loved it (duh). However, as I sat, perusing Twilight themed Flair for my Facebook page, I discovered something. Apparently, you have to pick a side.

I knew about Team Edward vs. Team Jacob (I am pop-culturally aware). So far, I am on Team Edward (OMG! So seeing what Bella sees in him.). However, Jacob has potential (have you seen Taylor Lautner? Is it wrong to lust a bit after jailbait? Just asking.)

No. What I mean is, you apparently can't like both Harry Potter and Twilight.

Now, in the interest in full disclosure, I haven't read all the Potter's either. Not that I haven't wanted to. I did buy the first book in the series and read it, then watched the movie.

However, I have tried to watch the next installment's movie on ABCFamily when it's on. Ugh. It's the "edited for television" version, and it's like 5 hours, with all the commercials. I don't have that kind of time - or attention span. I hate 2 hour movies. Plus, with the LOs, I figure it's best that I don't watch it when they are around, and....honestly, when are they not around?

I do like the series, though. I have read articles and am fairly aware of the basic plotlines. I also read the end of the last book in Meijer when it first came out (naughty, I know).

I guess, though, I have to pick a team to be on - Team Twilight or Team Harry.

If my library ever gets me a copy of New Moon before I am too old to read it (#57 on the wait list - yippee!)....I'll let you know.